Flashes Before Your Eyes
by Sandylee007
Summary: How can losing something you never had to begin with hurt so much? Aaron Hotchner wonders this as he looks at Spencer Reid in a hospital. SLASH HotchxReid ONESHOT


A/N: I have no idea of where this fic came from. Something I've faced recently may have served as a trigger, I guess. This was born before I could even think about stopping it. (grins sheepishly)

WARNINGS: SLASH, language, adult themes… Yeeeah, all the good stuff.

DISCLAIMER: Oh, the things there'd be on 'CM' if I DID own it... (sighs dreamily)

Awkay… I'm always jittery when it comes to unleashing a new baby. That's why I'm about to go through with this before my head blows up. 'Hope you'll enjoy the ride!

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**_Flashes Before Your Eyes_**

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'_It's hard to wait around for something you know might never happen, but it's even harder to give up when it's everything you want._'

(Unknown)

* * *

It wasn't the first time a case landed Dr. Spencer Reid into a hospital and all signs signalled that it wouldn't be the last.

Looking at his sleeping subordinate Aaron Hotchner inhaled surprisingly easily, unable to resist the temptation of running a uncharacteristically gentle hand through the younger man's soft hair. He shivered when his fingers brushed a bandage.

One inch. That was how close they'd come to losing Spencer forever. Just one inch between death and one hell of a headache. Aaron would never, ever forget the gunshot, or especially the sound of Spencer's body hitting the floor of that filthy, deserted cabin.

Aaron took another breath. This time his chest felt uncomfortably tight.

It was stupid, really. He'd ushered reluctant Derek Morgan out of the room to have a moment alone with Spencer. Now he didn't have the slightest clue of what to say or do. It was highly likely that he was making a huge mistake.

But this time it was too late to run away. Because all of a sudden Spencer moaned, wincing and bringing a tentative hand to his head. Then those brown eyes opened, turning towards him. A unreadable look appeared into them.

Whoever said that life rushes by one's eyes before death didn't know the full truth. Because at that very moment flashes of Spencer filled Aaron's head, finally focusing on a certain clip.

* * *

/ _The first time Aaron saw Spencer naked was when he understood why he'd always felt his defenses weaken around the young, awkward genius._

_It wasn't the first time he found himself desiring a man. But this time the temptation was far more dangerous than innocent curiosity._

_He stood there in the bureau's shower room, watching how water streamed down Spencer's battered and bruised body. How water caressed the man's pale skin, those perfect shapes…_

_Desire darkening his eyes, he locked the door and took a step forward._

_Alarmed by the sounds Spencer turned towards him. There was a look of surprise and something entirely different on the brunet's face. "Hotch? What…?"_

_Aaron was a man of action, not of words. Primal urges took over pure reason while he took off his clothes, feeling certain parts of him harden at the way Spencer's expression changed as the genius observed his actions. By the time his pants hit the floor Spencer was very visibly hard as well._

_Encouraged, Aaron closed the distance between them and pushed Spencer against the wall. He didn't ask if Spencer was sure. Spencer didn't ask if he was sure, either. Under the almost unbearably hot shower water they became nothing but limbs and body fluids._

_It was just sex. Pure lust. Animalistic desire. It would never, ever happen again._

_With those thoughts in mind, Aaron smothered the burning urge to stop Spencer when the younger man finally managed to gather himself and left the room hurriedly, like a thief. Aaron wasn't sure which sound was louder – that of his hammering heart or the door being slammed closed._

_Afterwards Spencer took a spontaneous two weeks of leave. Aaron found some comfort from imagining that he didn't know why._ /

* * *

Spencer didn't have the slightest clue of what to think as he stared into Aaron's all too familiar eyes, desperately trying to focus through a all consuming headache. "What… are you doing here?" he managed in the end.

Aaron's Adam's apple moved restlessly. "I almost lost you. There's nowhere else I could be."

Spencer frowned and looked away, unsure of what to think. He had to grit his teeth together to keep himself from saying something that might've poisoned the air around them even further. There were certain scars he couldn't tear open again.

He focused on breathing through the pain. There was a strange, wheezing sidetone and he didn't like how tight his chest felt.

It was impossible to tell how long the silence lasted until Aaron spoke again. The unit chief's voice sounded unfamiliar. "I spoke with Strauss a couple of days ago." The older man swallowed loudly. "She told me that you're transferring to Cooper's team. Is it true?"

Spencer shivered although he couldn't really understand why. He'd been processing this move for the past month. Announcing it officially shouldn't be this hard. "Yes. I was supposed to bring you the papers next week."

"Are you sure about this?" He was almost certain that he heard pain in Aaron's voice but it could've as well been his imagination playing tricks on him.

His eyes narrowed as he turned his head to see the unit chief properly. "It's unbearable to be around you. I… I can't…" It was at that point he realized that he was starting to hyperventilate. It took quite a while before he managed to speak again. "I'm not happy, not as long as you're there reminding me of…" He wiped his cheeks although there was no moisture on them. "I… I have to go. I need you to let me go."

For the longest time the two of them just stared at each other. Whoever said that life rushes by one's eyes before death didn't know the full truth but was close. Because at that very moment flashes of Aaron filled Spencer's head, finally focusing on a bitter clip.

Finally, a year, two months, three weeks and six days after its end, he was watching their relationship die. And it _hurt_.

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/ _As it turned out they weren't able to leave it as a one time thing._

_As he lay naked in his own bed, listening to Aaron speaking to a phone, Spencer stared at the ceiling and felt colder than ever in his life._

_Nine months. Nine months and he was finally beginning to realize that he'd let himself fall much too deep and far too hard._

_For a genius he could be a moron sometimes. He should've known better than to let someone like Aaron under his skin. Aaron had warned him, several times over._

_He cleared his throat and blinked away the stinging sensation in his eyes when the room's door opened. "Was it Beth?" he inquired as casually as he could, listening to Aaron's slow steps._

_For a while only silence answered him. Then Aaron sighed, starting to put on his clothes. "She… told me that there's something urgent. I have to go."_

_Spencer nodded numbly, almost shocked that he couldn't feel any actual pain. He even managed to shift so that he was able to watch Aaron get dressed._

_There were no soft words, no gestures of affection. In the end all they exchanged was a single look that spoke more than a million words._

_As Spencer watched Aaron walking through his door he had a feeling that they'd never have another night like this again. And at that moment something inside him died._

_A week later the team found out what Aaron had been told that night. Beth had breast cancer. There was no certainty of how things would turn out. And although she hadn't actually _been _with Aaron for over eight months she needed Aaron by her side during her tough battle. Who the hell was Spencer to stand in the way?_

_Five hours, forty-six minutes and eighteen seconds after finding out Spencer entered Aaron's office, locked the door and shut the blinds carefully. It was the last time he let Aaron claim him._

_It wasn't until he was safely home, _everything_ aching and burning, Spencer finally howled out the pain._ /

* * *

They both shivered when they became aware of the touch at the same time. Looking down they watched how Aaron's hand held on to Spencer's. The younger man's fingers squeezed back, barely visibly but still. Aaron's breathing became just a little bit louder than before while Spencer licked his lips restlessly, his fingers squirming.

It was so very hard to let go of something that felt so damn good. So fucking right.

"I don't want to lose you", Aaron admitted in what was barely even a whisper.

Spencer's eyes weren't able to lie or hide when they met the darker ones. "Then let me walk away or there'll be nothing left of me."

Aaron stared at the younger man, his eyes wild and filled with things that shouldn't have been a part of human nature. And at that moment he was forced to do something he hadn't done since his divorce from Haley.

He bent down, kissed Spencer's forehead and admitted defeat.

Gratitude was loud and clear in Spencer's eyes when they looked at each other once more. Before the younger man got the chance to speak there was a knock on the room's door. A very attractive man with long, braided dark brown hair and ocean colored eyes entered. Seeing Aaron there the man almost retreated, visibly surprised. "I'm… sorry. I didn't know that there was already someone in here."

Aaron felt something so dark that it scared him while he gritted his teeth tightly and pushed himself up, trying not to notice how much it hurt to move away from Spencer. "I was just leaving", he announced stiffly. His eyes were colder than he'd intended when he looked at the young genius. "You can deliver the papers to me anytime next week. Get better soon."

Spencer swallowed and nodded. The younger man's hand trembled while it was brought very close to the bullet wound. "Thank you." And just like that it was all over.

Taking his leave Aaron couldn't quite block his ears from the soft, whispered words, much less from the kiss that took place when the two probably thought that he couldn't hear it anymore. It felt like someone had poured acid on his skin when he made his way out of the hospital, barely coherent enough to know where he was going.

For the past month or two he'd been suspecting that there was something going on in Spencer's life. There'd been strange phone calls, weekend trips to a mysterious location. Spencer's eyes had been more alive than they had been in ages, enough so to make the rest of the team curious. Aaron had a feeling that Jennifer Jareau knew already.

It _hurt_ Aaron to know that there was someone new in Spencer's life although he knew that only he himself was to blame. It stung even worse to know that Spencer was leaving everything behind for that person.

Leaving _him_ behind.

* * *

/ _He could still remember how Spencer hugged him back then, so very tightly._

_"I knew you'd understand."_ /

* * *

That evening Aaron drank for the first time in ages, simply replying Beth's worried questions that the previous case had hit hard. He drank and finally, finally allowed himself to mourn.

Mourned the loss of a life he'd never been brave enough to leap into.

* * *

/ _"You're really starting to get some distance on these things."_

_Right after his son, Spencer's smile was the most radiant and beautiful thing Aaron had ever seen._

_Even back then he walked away from it._ /

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'The_ hardest things to let go of are the things you never really had._'

(Unknown)

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_**End.**_

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A/N: I'm… trembling slightly at the end of this. Odd. (quirks an eyebrow) Does this mean that I'm growing softer as I'm growing older?

Oh, those two… (sighs)

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Thank you so much for reading this!

Take care!


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